kiss me, im shitfaced

Thu, 07 Oct 2004 06:30:55 GMT

Bikini Kill!

Which RioT GrrrL Band are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

fuck this journal.

Wed, 11 Aug 2004 23:38:22 GMT

i made a new journal. the username is
xghoulinax
its friends only, so comment to be added.
<3

Wed, 11 Aug 2004 19:11:18 GMT

i fucking hate you.

Little demons gonna hide inside, shes gotta feed em

Tue, 10 Aug 2004 20:33:55 GMT

i just dont know.
im feeling terrible about myself right now, fat and yucky and i need a drink (or four) so badly.
i hate it when i get like this, and im angry at myself for feeling this way, and letting other people exacerbate the feeling.
and i know, really, i know, that im being walked on and used, but what the fuck else am i going to do?
i dont know what i want anymore.
i dont understand people and their fucked up ways, and i dont see how people can be so....apathetic...unconcerned.
why do i let myself get into things like this?
why am i such an emotional basketcase?
god. i need a cigarette. and a big fucking bottle of Wild Irish Rose. i miss the winos.
violently red lipstick, kinderwhore dress, cigarettes, my wine, and my pomp. i need to go out tonight. game plans are being made.
*sigh*

Your rockabilly dream date is Mike Ness! You like
the tattooed bad boy look and he's just your
type. You are going to have to work hard at
trying to hang on to this HARD LUCK KING cause
he is in love with his car and I would not be
suprised if your eyeliner mysteriously came up
missing!

Who would be your ROCKABILLY dream date?
brought to you by Quizilla

fay wray diiiiiiiiiied

Tue, 10 Aug 2004 18:41:04 GMT

why do i always, always, always get fucked over? always.

Tue, 10 Aug 2004 02:13:08 GMT

FUCKING FUCK.

hm. i am such a...something.

Mon, 09 Aug 2004 20:54:57 GMT

well i've been dragged all over the place i've taken hits that time just don't erase and baby i can see that you've been fucked with too but that don't mean your lovin days are through 'cuz people will say all kinds of things that dont mean a damn to me 'cuz all i see is whats in front of me ..thats you. well i may be just a fool but i know you're just as cool and cool kids they belong together.
im tired of the bullshit.
tonight im going out, hopefully, with Kish and her two greaser friends who are insanely cool and apparently didnt say the shit that was going around that i got upset about... so yeah.
luck.
im reading the best book in the world, Cunt: a Declaration of Independance by Inga Muscio.
amazing, amazing book. alla you gals should read it, and i also think that Zach would appreciate it, because hes cool like that.
love to you all.
<3haley

the professional

Thu, 29 Jul 2004 07:28:43 GMT

i really want to be with someone. by that i mean more than friends. and my options are irritating. i think i should really just buy a vibrator and say 'fuck you all'.
im kindof sad.
things sort of are shitty right now at this particular moment.
like, i go out and do my own thing with my girls and whatnot, and everything is so great, and im happy, and you know...
and then i come home after being gone for a few days, and i have to deal with a bunch of stupid bullshit that i shouldnt have to be dealing with.
im even upset that i have to be upset about it.
im so ready to graduate, get out of fucking school, get in to fucking college, get a house, etc.
there are a few things that have been sort of looked at along the lines of me and cari getting a place together once i graduate and while richard is away. that would be nice.
i just need to get out.
i am an independant person, i do my own school shit, find means of transportation, hardly ever asking nancy to take me ANYWHERE, i do everything myself, you know? and it just sucks that i have to do this AND babysit my little brother all the time, even though he is 13, because he is so fucking incompetent. and then people fuck with my shit while im gone, which pisses me off to no end.
so yeah, im upset, and ranting, and tired of this house and all its baggage. im ready to go.
today i babysat my nieces and made some money. the day before i went to ATL to visit Clark-Atlanta Uni. and Georgia Tech. that was cool
tommorrow i am going to meet up with some counselers from a program i am, Educational Talent Search, which is for smart kids who may not have the money to go to college but need to go anyway. we are going to Roane State Community College to use their confrence rooms or something so we can all talk about college stuff, applicaton processes, scholarships, deadlines for things, etc.
sooooooooo yeah.
i dont know.
i really also want to be with someone. i mean, more than friends. and my options are irritating. i think i should really just buy a vibrator and say 'fuck you all'.

am i getting somewhere?

Sun, 25 Jul 2004 05:51:46 GMT

holding on is all i have to do
so take this big time take the air and all you've saved up, and let's go down to the liquor store
across the street is the first step we can take up, coz i can't be here anymore
grab yer bags and while we're waiting let me hold you, this doesn't feel quite like before

bacardi, my friends. and too much thinking.

Thu, 22 Jul 2004 08:32:04 GMT

hm. i dunno.
a lot of shit.
and i dont know who to trust anymore, or if i should even trust anyone other than my right-hand-girl - she is one person whom i know i can trust. second thought:wait there is three of those girls. shit.
who else?
and if i do trust them, am i letting myself be walked on?
or am i being forgiving?
or am i just fucking stupid like i always am when problems arise of this sort?
really, i hate the way i work sometimes. i really am too goddamn forgiving....or am i just empathetic? i mean honestly, when someone that i am close to is in a tough situation, i always try to put myself in their shoes in order to (somewhat, at least) understand what they are going through, how they are feeling, what they are thinking, etc..... BUT is that healthy, after all? because many a time do i feel that i am giving people too much slack, that i am just too fucking understanding. and i dont know how to feel. and it leaves me so much more confused that i was to begin with....
fucking analyzation.
FUCK YOU, stupid mind!!!

lyrics for the masses

Thu, 22 Jul 2004 03:43:57 GMT

To lessen my troubles
I stopped hanging out with vultures
And empty saviours like you -
There's a passion in being alone A grace in a loveless time
There's no new cross, there's no new sign
Only the sun and the changing tide
She never mentions the word addiction
In certain company
Yes, she'll tell you she's an orphan
After you meet her family

She paints her eyes as black as night now
She pulls those shades down tight
She gives a smile when the pain comes
The pain gonna' make everything alright

Says she talks to angels
They call her out by her name
Oh yeah, she talks to angels
Says they call her out by her name

She keeps a lock of hair in her pocket
She wears a cross around her neck
Yes the hair is from a little boy
And the cross from someone she has not met
Not yet

She don't know no lovers
None that I've ever seen
And to her that means nothing
But to me it means, means everything

look out honey cuz we're using technology....

Tue, 20 Jul 2004 19:25:35 GMT

im STD free, mutha fuckas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i found out yesterday, when i was out with cari.
also yesterday, i got a new outfit from planet exchange, and ate at vic and bills for the first time.
also met this dude mike who is kindof english...hes strange. and funny. me and him and cari are going out later on tonight.
should be fun.
right now i have to go get dressed cuz my dad is picking me up so that i can go; to his house and paint his 'Harley shack' - the little building he keeps his harley davidson in....
and im getting paid, so thats all cool...
my sister is being weird lately. shes pissing me off. butttt shes letting me basically do whatever i want, so it doesnt really matter too much.
hm.

now youre married with a kid when you should be having fun with me

Sun, 18 Jul 2004 23:56:56 GMT

this past week and a half has been quite eventful.
cari and i have been spending lots of time together, hanging out, drinking, painting...
last night we stayed up at her family's lake house for her cousins birthday party and watched movies and ate too much.
fun fun.
i built confessionals at my dad's church one day, and mowed his lawn for 20 bucks...
annnnnd we have been going up to rob's to finish our mural, which is almost done and has turned out GREAT, btw... but hes been a bitch. enough said, too much drama.
we're gonna start a business with painting ppls windows or walls.
its fun.
im still waiting on my stupid test results, it was supposed to be three days, but ive hardly been home to answer if my doc calls, so im gonna call tommorrow morn.
i wrote a letter to richard, who is in the ntnl. guard....i miss that dude. he should be back in nov sometime, so that will be fun.
i might be going to the beach with cari and autumn in a week or so.... and that will be hella cool. i ahvent been to the beach in years...
well i guess im going to go shower for the first time in too long, before gus and cari get here....
hope everyones doing well, and alla that.
<33haley

night life, baby

Mon, 12 Jul 2004 19:43:29 GMT

last night was good. jeni stayed over and i stayed up all night, mostly cleaning.
this morning i had to go to the doctor and they were total fucking bitches to me because i: a) didnt have my co-pay upfront and b) was without a guardian.
i bitched, and told them that i have both had them bill me and been there alone numerous times, and then the fucking secretary shut her trap because i was RIGHT. fuckin bitch.
then i got 3 vials of blood taken. yay fun.
paul picked me up because he is an angel, we listened to Little Wing and i cheered up considerably, and we stopped by the army surplus store on broadway before dropping me off back here at home.
rob called, and he is coming to pick me up then we're going back out to his casa nueavo to hang out, i guess.
*shrugs*
interesting day. i feel like i should sleep maybe, but i cant decide if ill just wake up to be sleepier or not....
hm.

back in black

Mon, 12 Jul 2004 11:28:37 GMT

Yes, I'm let loose
From the noose
That's kept me hanging about
I've been looking at the sky
'Cause it's gettin' me high
Forget the hearse 'cause I never die
I got nine lives
Cat's eyes
Abusin' every one of them and running wild
...So look at me now
I'm just makin' my play
Don't try to push your luck, just get out of my way
oh yeah, man. AC/DC foreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeva!!!!!!!!!!!
i love this song so much.
its the best for nights like this when i stay up all night and clean and talk on the comp. man am i ever a loser. oh well, at least im productive.
tommorrow -er, today- i have a doc appt at 1140. jeni is takin me out there cuz my bro-in-laws car is broken in the shop, so he has to use nancy's car to get to work so i dont have a ride, but jeni is a good friend and shes staying the night over here and taking me to my appt in the morn. i love you jeni!
then paul is picking me up from the doc and i think we might go to his house and swim, which would be hella cool cuz i havent swam since me, opal, jeni, and raven went to that hotel pool way earlier this summer...
rob and i are supposed to go up to his house today and hang out, but i didnt get his number the other night because ive gotten weird about calling people now, after the recent bullshit with guys not answering their damn phones....sooooo since i wont be home, i guess ill have to call around and find his number. i think annie might have gotten it, but i dont remember. maybe anthony....
i never did call kish this weekend like i told her i would, i totally forgot, plus i was pretty busy all weekend....oh well. ill call her sometime this week if i have time.
let me see, im gonna plan out what ive got for the week...
monday/today- i just said all that.
tuesday- babysitting my girlfriend jennifer's little baby from 1045am till like 5 or so, then maybe call devan and see if she wants to hang out, or else go up to luke's and hang with jennifer.
wendsday- i think meara and i are going to hang out, but im not sure if im right in thinking it is wendsday that we are or not. i need to call her.
thursday- i was thinking there was a show, but im not sure.
friday- get ready for garage sale. maybe set up camp at my papaws house with opal and raven.
saturday- garage sale! 5613 Wallwood Dr. 37918, everyone show up and buy our shit or else fuck off and die, bitches. (this only goes for those of you reading this that are in k-town <3)
also, apparently saturday is ravens birthday. i thought it came after opal's, though....are you lying, raven? tell the truth! haha jk.
sunday- ...? call kish, i guess.
i also have a lot of house work to get done this week, im making a list right after i finish this post.
which is.....NOW!

my dream and meanings last night.

Sun, 11 Jul 2004 22:26:14 GMT

i had a fucked up dream last night. the most memorable things are the snakes, they were all over the place, and i was screaming and trying to get into this locked door, and people ( i cant say who ) were on the inside, looking out at me through the glass, and they didnt do anything.... i couldnt kill the snakes. i was outside in a forest of sorts, and i remember one part where i was with anotherpersonthaticantstate and i was topless and his friends were laughing at me....
A snake ready to strike means treachery from one you least expected; killing it means victory over enemies.
lock- Confinement. Lock up a secret, a fear.
fear-Unexpressed love. Self-doubts. Courage.
forest- Freedom of emotional expression. Release. Happiness and long life.
terror- Overpowering fear. Violence. Supremacy. Suffering from a loss of trust.
topless- Display. Exposure. Self confidence. Ask yourself how do you exhibit love.
crying- Emotional release. Grief. Domestic trials are on the way. Emotions need to be released.

a lump of loneliness in the pit of my stomach.

Sun, 11 Jul 2004 08:23:39 GMT

i miss my mom.
i feel like all of my substantial thoughts have gone down the drain...
and i miss them.
ive been numb for too long.
but it really sucks being thoughtful and depressed all the time.
should i take the sad intellectual girl in my brain who seems to be jumping around right now...
or should i leave her?

boys who call back...

Sun, 11 Jul 2004 08:01:33 GMT

michael moore rocks.

Sun, 11 Jul 2004 06:59:39 GMT

damn, i just got back from seeing Farenheit 9/11.
that was the most intense movie.
crazy, crazy, crazy fuckin shit.
everyone, go see it.

hey good lookin whatcha got cookin

Sun, 11 Jul 2004 03:41:01 GMT

hmmm
today i got up at fuckin 430 and hung out with meara...the brakes went out on her car, i had to call doug and ask him what to do.
im an idiot, and i didnt get rob's number so now i dont know how to get ahold of him. he should call me tho, cuz we're going to hang out soon.
uhhh meara and i went to the disc exchange and i got 6 bucks store credit for two perfect condition cds that my sis gave to me to exchange. damn the man, disc exchange are bitches.
saw corrine, jason moon's gf there. she is apparently working there now. *shrugs* cool girl.
went to mckays to take some of meara's stuff, ran into my girl devan...found a dead prez cd we were going to get, but it was the clean version. grrrr. meara bought igby goes down, a great movie, and gia, which i have never seen.
we also went to planet exchange where they have a shitton of cool dresses that i want really baddddddddddddddddddddddd
and we saw chelsea, elaines soon-to-be columbus roomate there. she works there. damn all these people with cool jobs. if only i had a car, i would have a cool job too. fuckers.
.....
and, yeah, thats all. i might go to asheville soon. that would be neato.
xoxo

youve never walked a mile in anyone elses shoes

Sat, 10 Jul 2004 04:46:56 GMT

sometimes i just cant handle everything.
reading anarchofeminist zines and realizing how im not really that overly sensitive, its just that all of my peers put up this incredible facade of an emotionless void.
...all i really want is to be accepted and understood, and somehow i cant get that, even from the people who i know and respect as my loved ones.
people dont understand or try to understand how i just need time sometimes, that all of my time cannot be devoted to one person or thing... they do not empathize, they just give me hell.
and when i say 'leave me alone' and i am crying, i just want to be left alone. im not mad....i just want to be left alone.
last night one of my closest and longest-known friends told me that another friend's boyfriend was talking about beating the shit out of her when they got home. i gave this chin-drop appalled look and my friend said 'now haley dont get all ranting and raving about it, stay out of their relationship'....it made me realize how fucked up people are and how they just avert their eyes to such injustices and how the fuck can they look down on me for being disgusted with that kind of information? am i supposed to just pretend that i dont care about that girlfriend, that i dont give a fuck that shes getting beat by someone who should cherish all that she is?
it also made me realize that the friend of mine who said that, although ive known them for years and years, does not even respect my morals and beliefs and how can i be such good friends with someone like that? not agreeing is one thing, not respecting is another.
we all carry this tough attitude, but when are we going to realize that things just cant go on this way?
which brings me to the point of why the fuck do i allow myself to go into these situations, fully knowing what will happen?
i just keep on trying....and it always ends up the same. just different people.
should i just give up.
i used to be this field of pure white snow, too. now im all these muddy footprints. walked all over again.

cool cat lookin for a kitty gonna look in every corna of the city

Sat, 10 Jul 2004 00:01:06 GMT

so last night was fun.
went down to the pilot light to see the legendary shack shakers w/ american plague and the booze hounds. fun stuff.
lots of people down there, and i finally fuckin met that guy rob.
went on a drunken paper route with my friend Devan, hit up shoney's breakfast bar, then went back to her and Casey's place at like 830 am.
i must say, Devan is hella cool. i love that chick.
hm.
so, rob called me today, we are going to hang out monday at his brand new house that he bought yesterday. crazy fuckin shit.
Tuesday i should be babysitting my friend jennifer's baby....
blah. oh well, its money, right?
right right.
haha oh man i just remembered that i got my friend Kish's number and we are supposed to hang out soon, too....
lmao that girl is funny as shitttt.
:)
xoxo
haley

nancys wedding

Fri, 09 Jul 2004 23:04:39 GMT

front- nancy and lakelen, my niece

back from right- sarah (marcus's sister), my other sister jill, and moi.

jesus fucking christ i am such an emo fucking girl.

Thu, 08 Jul 2004 20:20:01 GMT

ARE THERE NO NICE, COOL GUYS IN FUCKING KNOXVILLE?
*sigh*
such bullshit.
the thing i said about me being attracted to assholes because the sex is hotter?
well. i dont know how much longer i can take of alla that shit.
actually, yeah, i do. a lifetime. because thats all ive ever known.
maybe im doomed to have great sex with assholes who dont return my calls for the rest of my life.
*shrugs*
honestly, though. its tiring.
at any rate, tonight should be fun.
lots of liquor and my best-friend-since-2ndgrade, hope.
yay.

word.

Thu, 08 Jul 2004 06:25:34 GMT

hmmmmmmm.
so all of my friends are fucking nuts.
i re-bleached my hair. its orangey blonde now.
im about to go dye it again.
*sigh*
im sleepy. maybe i will actually sleep tonight. that would be nice.
i should sleep more often, i think.
i get weird when i dont. but i cant.
see what i mean about being weird?